FAITH
HOPE & SANITY
A
few jokes about RELIGION before it kills us all
More to
the point, is religious belief a form of mental illness, or
is it just a bit of fun ?
Is
Jerusalem a holy city? Or is it a vortex of evil, a psychic
energy drain feeding directly into the maw of Satan?
And who
is the one true God?
By the
way, welcome to the 21st century – the bright new tomorrow
of yesteryear, or the fossilised old yesterday of today?
With
religious dogma driving world events in a way not seen
since the middle ages, is it finally showdown time for the
children of Abraham?
And
whose side are you on?
God's country...
...where
any white male millionaire can become president, as long as
he’s born again in Jesus.
Or this
guy...
...who wants to replace slack-bellied western decadence
with something more wholesome, like polygamy and ritualised
maiming.
Tough
one, isn’t it?
Don't
get me wrong. I’m not saying religion doesn’t have its
uses. Personally I turn to it whenever I want my
intelligence insulted.
And the
holy scriptures come in very handy when I need to justify
behaviour I’m ashamed of.
Actually, my problem is not with God, but with God's little
helpers, the ones who take it upon themselves to police the
rest of us on his behalf.
These
people give religion a bad name, which, given its history,
takes some doing.
They
wear their ignorance as a badge of honour, and they hold
very strong opinions about what other people should
think.
Plus
they’ve managed to insinuate themselves into a position
where their beliefs are given equal weight with real ideas,
and are allowed to affect our lives in all sorts of
ridiculous ways.
So I’d just like to ask…
Without
putting too fine a point on it…
HOW MUCH RESPECT
IS
ENOUGH?
There
are, of course, many sins one can commit in the eyes of
religion. Among the greatest is the sin of having an
original thought. Religion disapproves of original thought
the way Dracula disapproves of sunlight.
Almost
as bad is the sin of blasphemy, for which Christ was
executed.
This is Rosco the pig, by the way. He wants to be part of
this website, but I’ve told him he can’t, as his presence
might offend Jews and Muslims. But, as you can see, he’s
pretty stubborn, and he won’t take no for an answer.
Of course I could simply have him slaughtered and
butchered. But I like animals, and I don’t think that’s the
right way to treat them.
And he
knows this, the crafty beggar, which makes him quite
difficult to control.
I live in England, which is a Christian country. Not as
rabidly so as America, but in a more genteel biscuit-tin
sort of way. The Church of England is to religion what the
cucumber sandwich is to food – it goes quite nicely with a
cup of tea, but that’s about it.
Our national flag is the cross of St George, the cross of
the Crusades. Our trans-national British flag, the Union
Jack, is a blizzard of crosses, each representing a
different Christian saint.
Our American cousins don’t have a cross on their flag, but
they don’t need one. “In God We Trust” is written on their
money. A cross on the flag would be overkill, and that’s
the army’s job.
Both the American president and our prime minister are
devout Christians, in a warmongering arms dealing sort of
way.
As a result, our foreign policy is dictated by American
Christian fundamentalist nutcases, who are often in a bad
mood with the rest of the world because they find
themselves in the awkward position of hating Jews, but
loving Israel.
Ideally they’d like to see all the Jews in the world living
in the Middle East. Then they wouldn’t have to focus so
much on keeping them out of their golf clubs.
They hate Muslims too, but not in the same way. After all,
Muslims didn’t kill Jesus. They only killed a few thousand
real people, and destroyed some perfectly good real estate.
(Incidentally, I’m not blaming the American people for
their government. It’s not as if they have a real choice,
any more than we do in Britain. But that’s the price of
freedom.)
These crackpots love Israel because they want to see
the Temple of Solomon rebuilt in Jerusalem, which they
believe will herald the second coming of Christ.
Then, after the mandatory bloodbath (we are dealing with
religion after all) true believers will ascend to
heaven on a fluffy golden cloud while the rest of us are
pitchforked into the eternal flames of hell.
But first they have to get rid of the Al-Aqsa mosque, which
currently occupies the temple site, and also happens to be
the third holiest shrine in all Islam.
And this is where it could get tricky, because we all know
Islam doesn’t stand for any nonsense. Actually I take that
back. It stands for a lot of nonsense, like any religion.
But Islam is more than just a religion. It's a complete way
of life, with very strict rules of behaviour which must be
adhered to by everyone, often on pain of death.
Also, it has managed to capitalise on the anger, poverty
and ignorance in the Third World by giving people meaning
and structure in their lives.
As a result, it now controls a large mass of volatile
primitive opinion which is quick to take offence and easily
moved to senseless violence.
And it wants to take over the world.
And in my new show I’ll be making jokes about all
this.
After all, if you can’t laugh at something, how can you
take it seriously, right?
I’ll also be poking fun at my own personal ball and chain,
the Catholic Church, which over the years has consigned
more infidels and heretics to the flames of hell on earth
than all the Saudi-funded suicide bombers in Pakistan.
More recently, the Church has been accused of anti-semitism
because it collaborated with the nazis and ignored the
Holocaust.
But we now know this was done primarily to stop the spread
of communism.
The fact that so many Jews were killed was purely a bonus.
If all
this sounds like your cup of tea, please come along to the
show and have a few laughs.
Alternatively,
if you’re likely to be offended by jokes about religion,
please seek psychiatric help.
Peace.
